I was there

Nathan Tasker sings about Jesus’ journey to the cross in a very personal way. He paints the picture of being there himself and allows those listening to him to empathise with this deeply!

I’d like to think if I was there
In the garden as You prayed and cried
I would have stayed awake for You

So You were not alone at that time

But in truth I can see
That although I stand here now
A part of me…

Was there in the garden, asleep on the ground
And You needed companions, there was no one around
And I’m sorry I left you, to the anguish and pain
And but for the grace of God, I’d fall asleep again

I’d like to think if I was there
As the crowd demanded, ‘Crucify’
I would have been a louder voice
Calling out to them ‘What is His crime’

But in truth I can see
That although I stand here now
A part of me…

Was there in the rabble, when the crime was declared
And I cried out for Your blood, ‘Let Barabbas be spared’
And I’m sorry I left you, to the mocking and scorn
And but for the grace of God, I hear my angry voice

Where you there
When they crucified The Lord
Where you there
When they crucified The Lord

I absolutely would’ve fallen asleep. I would’ve been a quiet voice in the crowd and I would’ve doubted his promise of resurrection! I relate to this song wholeheartedly.

In this article http://mikefrost.net/greatest-easter-painting-time/, Michael Frost reflects on a semi famous painting of John and Peter running towards the tomb on Easter Sunday. The painting captures such raw and deliberate emotion of fear, hope, doubt, anticipation, desperation etc etc. He talks about the journey from death to resurrection….the journey from Lent to Easter Sunday.

As I listen to Nathan Tasker’s song and reflect on the guilt that I’m so prone to feel so often, Michael Frost encourages me to set my eyes on Easter Sunday, and know that though I fail and doubt, the Saviour rises and redemption is here!

Some jumbled thoughts about life, mum and sacrifice

Well today I had trouble putting one of my last blog’s learning into practice. Finding stillness in the chaos. It wasn’t so much chaos around me, but more in my mind. Sleep deprivation and constant defiance from a threenager doesn’t help I’m sure. I suppose I’ll just keep trying to get better at the art of being still.

Today we were out at mum and dad’s place- Tim working with Darren Rumble all day on the Captiva, getting it ready to bring home! Amidst my crowded thoughts, I was even having trouble being thankful. Something I don’t ever want to have trouble doing! Made me disappointed! Because I’m very thankful!

Since getting home after a big day, I sent mum a text message, just acknowledging that she must be tired because she is just constantly looking after others- Josiah and me, her wider family, visitors, ensuring everyone is fed and everyone is happy. The list sure goes on. Her reply to me was really lovely. She said, “I think that’s my purpose, therefore God gives me the strength”. I LOVED this response from mum! I’m not overly sure why, but I loved the authenticity of it and the example she was able to show in knowing who she is and part of why she is here! I also loved her honesty and the way she was able to acknowledge herself that she really does look after others well! Because she does!

I’m so wrapped she is my mum. Her thoughtfulness and compassion actually outweigh anyone else’s. She is a beautiful example of how to love others and I know that I’m better for it. She takes after her own mother and I hope that I take after her! Mums love and sacrifice a lot. It is a privilege to be a mum and to follow suit.

As we come up to Easter- The death and resurrection of Jesus, I am reminded of His sacrifice. The ultimate sacrifice to which none can compare!!

Over the next couple of days I hope to reflect more deeply upon this as we approach Good Friday!

Happiness

Today at work, dad ran a PD on the ‘happy’ parts of our brain, and how we can stimulate these in children. I loved it. I learnt so much about the 4 ‘happy’ chemicals- dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins. I won’t go into all the info on here, but learning about their functions and how to feed them was so beneficial to me. It inspired me to be a more positive person and assist these chemicals to function at a healthy level!

We watched an interview with Hugh van Cuylenburg, where he talked about The Resilience Project, and he reflected on his time working in a school in remote India. He said they were the happiest kids he’d ever seen and identified 3 elements which he believed were critical in contributing to this: gratitude, empathy and mindfulness!

When I think about these three things, I don’t necessarily think I lack them. In fact, I think I’m a pretty grateful and empathic person. I believe in mindfulness and try to practice it daily. However when I look at myself I can definitely see that I am naturally pessimistic. I don’t often look at the cup half full, and rather see things with a negative slant. To me this means that I must be missing something!

So, as Lent draws to an end this weekend, I know I will not be blogging every day, because I’ve definitely found it hard to make the time for it. But I also don’t want to leave it by the way side and forget about how beneficial the constant reflection and thinking has been for me. So perhaps I’ll replace it with something a bit more sustainable.

I’d like to replace negative thoughts with thoughts of gratitude. When I am inclined to see the glass half empty (which is often), instead I must thank God for something relevant to that. I’d also like to keep a bit of a record of this and see how it changes over time if I can be consistent with it.

I also do not want to completely stop blogging, so will aim to do this at least once a week. I desperately want to keep my mind active in the good stuff! And I want to be a happier person!

Another opportunity to love

The dark hours of the night strike again! I go to bed dreading it. Nights have never been Josiahs strength. And now the dummy has gone he doesn’t know what to do with himself in these lonely hours. So he needs me! It’s really hard on my body. I need rest because this growing baby inside me is taking all my strength! And Josiah is taking what ever I have left. I feel like I’m running on empty ALL the time. What will happen when the baby comes? Will I sleep at all? Oh dear! I pray that my vision of this child bringing peace will do just that in the area of sleep!! Please God!

So here I am once again! The whole world is asleep except for my little boy and me. Or so it feels! And God has blessed me with this irreplaceable and unique moment to love my family and to draw my strength from Him! How thankful I am!!

Instead of seeing these hours of the night as enemies, I pray God will help me see them as my friend. A secret place where my cup can be filled. Seems like an oxymoron, and really it is. But I suppose God can still make it beautiful, and quite often he uses these ironic moments.

My prayer tonight is for God’s strength to fill Josiah. For him to know God’s presence and peace with him in these quiet hours and for this to be a place where he is also blessed. I pray for his ability to cope with a new baby taking my attention during the night (and day) and for his body to be able to sleep (a prayer I’ve been praying for years now).

God may you fill my cup and help me rest in my exhaustion.

Being Still While I’m Moving

Psalm 46:10 is one that we have heard time and time again- “Be still and know that I am God”. And when I think about this command, I really do feel like a failure! What chance do I have to be still? Very little! Henri Nouwan’s daily meditation yesterday helped me think about this concept in a new light. He said, “We may think about stillness in contrast to our noisy world. But perhaps we can go further and keep an inner stillness even while we carry on business, teach, work in construction, make music, or organise meetings.” He emphasised the utmost importance of finding our still place amidst our busyness in order to be able to commune with God ALL the time!

This challenged me! And made me wonder- do I have a still place? It also had me desperately craving to find this still place in my life! But how do I do this? Not only do I need to learn this when things are busy around me, but also when things are busy inside my mind! I don’t have the answers but have been reflecting on how I can work towards this for myself.

The first thing that comes to my mind is actually ‘mindfulness’. Being able to ground myself in the present moment is something that has helped me stay calm when my mind is crowded, and in many ways it has taught me to find some type of stillness when everything in and around me seems crazy!! I can do this by focusing on my breath, and the things I can see, hear, smell, feel and taste. To invite God into this process I must thank Him for each moment, each breath, each sense.

The next thing I think will help me find this stillness is honesty. Too often do I deny my state of mind, even to myself, in the hope to find some kind of peace away from what I’m thinking. But that isn’t peace is it!? That just adds more chaos, because I have thoughts fighting each other. Instead I hope to be honest with myself about how I’m going. Because I know it is there that I will find actual communion with God, and truly allow him to speak into my life.

I do believe we must physically go away from the chaos of life often to be still and know that He is God. But I also like and find comfort in the peace that comes from finding stillness when things around me are not still. May this be a daily practice of mine!

Our table

I’ve always had a heart for providing good food for people. I am in no way saying that I’m a good cook. I am in fact quite average. But still my desire to provide well for people in the context of eating together is strong!! I am passionate about making a meal be about more than just eating. I care about how people are made to feel during a meal and the way that I express they are welcome. I think most people care about this stuff. When people say that they ‘just had toasties’ for dinner, or ‘just had egg on toast’ or leftovers, I shudder a little bit. Not because that is bad food at all! Sometimes it is all we have!! But if it were me providing the meal, I would be so inclined to ensure the presentation of the meal was still just as welcoming and wonderful as it would be if I were cooking a roast.

In one of his daily meditations from earlier this year, Henri Nouwan talks about the ‘intimacy of the table’. I’ve read this a few times now and the truth that he shares continues to ring in my mind and heart as time goes on!!

The table is one of the most intimate places in our lives. It is there that we give ourselves to one another. When we say, “Take some more, let me serve you another plate, let me pour you another glass, don’t be shy, enjoy it,” we say a lot more than our words express. rejection of an invitation to intimacy.

Strange as it may sound, the table is the place where we want to become food for one another. Every breakfast, lunch, or dinner can become a time of growing communion with one another.

In my home, I want to always want to model the value of eating together. I want my children to know that when we eat meals we do more than just fill our tummies, but we also fill our souls! With conversation, love, laughter, warmth, welcome, and the list goes on! Whether we have no money and are limited to plain rice, or whether we are lucky enough to go out for dinner and enjoy a restaurant meal- I want my family to honour these times, sharing together, facing each other and knowing each other. When we have people over for meals, they are welcome in to our family- just as it is!!

Dreaming of community?

When Tim and I were residential team leaders at Urban Seed, we were often confronted by the disappointment of others, that our residential community wasn’t in fact a very good one! We didn’t eat together enough, we worked together too much, we talked too much about particular things and not enough about other things, there weren’t enough people in it… and so on and so on! At first this made me insecure that we weren’t doing our job properly. But over time I became frustrated that people had become blinded by their own ideals of community- which was more destructive than productive!

Eventually we gathered our group together and asked each of them to map out their ideal community. Of course each response differed because we are all bias and we all have preferences! It was a mix of people sharing their own personal needs, and of people’s past experiences of healthy communities. We validated and honoured each person’s response, but also challenged them with Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s ‘quote’:

“Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than they love the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest and sacrificial. God hates this wishful dreaming because it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious….”

Today Henri Nouwan’s reflection focused on something similar which reminded me of this time. He titled it ‘Coming Together in Poverty’. He says, “Community is not a talent show in which we dazzle the world with our combined gifts. Community is the place where our poverty is acknowledged and accepted, not as something we have to learn to cope with as best as we can but as a true source of new life.”

We are always in community. Whether it is with one person or with hundreds of others. Or somewhere in the middle. Community takes ALL forms- families, footy clubs, churches, workplaces, mothers groups, cafe culture, neighbourhoods, friendships etc etc. There is no taking it away. We were created for community by a Community itself! The question is, are we noticing it? Are we living it in as it is or are we wishing for something else? Are we bringing our true selves to our communities? Community isn’t something we ‘try’ to do. It is just something that is! And we get to be in it! We don’t need to strive or worry. We just need to be. That is when community is at its truest.

A bruised reed He will not break

I never really understood what this actually meant. I knew it described Jesus’ character, but what does it even mean if he doesn’t break a bruised reed?

Today Henri Nouwan’s devotion helped me understand it just a little bit more:

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: “Well, I don’t have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one.” Often we also treat people this way. We say: “Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business…we’d better not take the risk of working with them.” When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

This devotion has come at a good time for me, because I’ve been thinking about my weaknesses a fair bit, and it’s been a real discipline for me to understand these weaknesses as strengths as well! The other day I messaged Tim sharing with him how heart broken I have felt about Josiah’s dummy situation. He wrote back firstly highlighting the goodness of my heart, and then also stating that in fact our greatest strengths can sometimes be our greatest weaknesses.

Mum was chatting with me the other day about how dad is traveling, sharing concern for his health (in basically every area). I have shared this concern too, and was happy to listen to mum. The thing is, all the things I was hearing, were pretty much highlighting his strengths as well!! It’s just that some of these have come to a point that need to be addressed because they are demonstrating a pretty unhealthy side of where dad is at- and I’m not sure he actually knows it.

Henri reminds me in his devotion that we need to be careful to not miss the ‘strength’ that is hidden in the ‘weakness’. The weaknesses which are often seen by those who are closest to us!

But first I must start with myself. Because I know that while I do not see myself as God does, I cannot see others as He does either- so therefore their strengths are hidden from me! I pray that God will continue to help me look past my woundedness and find my strengths so I can live as fully as possible. And in turn, I pray that I will find the strengths of others, living a compassionate life and taking risks on those ‘bruised reeds’, because we are all bruised reeds!

When I am weak, then I am strong!

It’s official. I really do believe that this is the hardest parenting thing I’ve had to do to date. It’s actually affecting me greatly! Right to my core! I can’t even talk about it because I feel nobody else actually understands, and it would just be made out to be a trivial thing! But it’s not trivial. So I just keep quiet about it and sometimes cry and tell God about how hard it is. Cos I know He understands.

As I sit here writing this, I am in tears. Like, they are just pouring down my face! Josiah is playing beautifully by himself in the play room and hopefully will not notice my emotion too much! He’s doing a lovely job of quiet play. He’s very tired and just wants to sleep, but is refusing to lie down because…. “I just want my dummy back…. why did you take it from me mummy? It is just too hard to sleep without it!” I just want so much to take his grief away!

These lenten ‘blogs’ have become very much like journal entries over this time, but I think that is necessary, as it’s forcing me to write and reflect on what is going on in me, which I otherwise would be avoiding because it’s too hard and confronting!

I feel so weak as a mother. I also don’t feel very understood. I’m glad God understands me. It’s a great comfort and gift to have Him in my corner. It helps because I actually KNOW He understands, and not only that, but I know that He made me like this- so He completely gets what happens in my heart! I think that is the greatest comfort to me actually.

I know in these secret places, where I’m feeling and thinking the raw stuff (the stuff I feel no one else understands at times)- that’s actually where much of who I really am is revealed. In my heart of hearts. And whilst some of these times bring out feelings of pain- it’s often from a place of empathy, or desire, or love… this all comes from my Creator! And I can find peace in the knowledge that He knows me- my heart- my mind- and all the other stuff. And sits with me in it. I can also find joy in the fact that although I feel weak- I am in fact strong- because it is God who made me how I am! And that surely is a gift!

Psalm 139

Grieving that dummy

Well he’s asleep. For now anyway. He did it. We did it. And I just got another glimpse into God’s heart. Which of course has left me with more questions than answers, but at the same time I feel I know his character just a little bit more.

This morning we sat around the table and put his dummies into an envelope ‘for the baby’. It wasn’t easy for him because he knew what that meant-goodbye! It was then I realised that this wasn’t just taking a toy off my little boy which might lead to a tantrum or two, but that this was a significant loss for him which will result in grief. And he was already feeling it when he said goodbye to them this morning!

What kind of parent makes their child grieve?

Well I definitely had many tears throughout today, my heart breaking for him! And tonight I lay with him in bed as he sobbed and said, “please Mum why did you take them from me!?… please Mum. I just want them back”.
All I could do was lie with him and be with him, knowing it wasn’t the right thing to return them to him, and knowing that we must ride this one out together. I told him I love him, that I won’t leave him and that he is so big and brace and clever!! But those things did not stop his pain!! And the pain was and is real.

As I lay in bed with Josiah experiencing all these emotions, I wondered how often God lies with us, holding us, hearing those exact same questions….and probably replying something similar too.
I then said to myself, “yeah but God is God and he can do anything and can make the grief go away for people by fixing the problem!!” And then I realised, in this situation I was quite capable of doing that too!

I still don’t understand it and like I said, have more questions than answers. But I’m thankful for his maternal spirit and presence and love when we are grieving. He sits with us in our pain. And hurts with us. Just as I have once again experienced tonight!